


Requiem

by ArmedWithaPen



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Kylo Ren Redemption, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 12:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6955717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArmedWithaPen/pseuds/ArmedWithaPen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was he who should have suffered, yet Rey was the one broken a thousand different ways. To her, death was a sweet mercy, but a Kylo Ren struggling for redemption cannot let her die. And he'll do whatever it takes to save Rey and repay his debt- even if she hates him for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

_She remembered a time on Jakku when she had been but ten and had cut herself on a piece of scrap metal. It had torn right through the flesh of her skin as if it were rice paper, and what had begun as a slight headache as the sun retreated behind the tall sand dunes evolved into a case of clammy hands and a nauseated stomach. By morning she couldn’t even see straight, and her whole body burned with fever._

_Tearing off a piece of the grey wrappings she wore, Rey had used what precious little water rations she had to make a cold compress. Tying it around her forehead, she laid against the metal wall of her AT-AT and breathed heavily as a rhythmic drumbeat echoed loudly in her ears. Lifting her injured hand to her face, Rey could not tell if she had been hallucinating from the fever, but the wound which had dyed her skin red just the night before had turned into a sickly, yellowish color. In feverish fascination, she had watched as a white and yellow liquid oozed from the open cut before her heavy eyes forced themselves shut._

_For three days Rey had remained confined to her makeshift home- unable to move or even see past the fuzzy black dots dancing in her vision. With not even the proper medical supplies to treat a paper cut, Rey’s only option had been to sweat the fever out._

_It had nearly taken her before finally…finally as if a rush of cold water had swept over her body, the fire which had plagued her went out. She was much more careful when scavenging after that. But if there was one thing it had taught her, it was to endure._

_Except, even the most stubborn of scavengers had their limits._

…

“ _So…why am I still alive? Why not just kill me already?”_  

_Rey had asked this as she lay broken in a thousand different ways, far beyond even her levels of endurance. He had chuckled at the question, and extended a wrinkled hand to caress her cheek. His touch was inhumanly cold, and Rey’s skin seared at it._

_“There are worse things, girl. Soon you’ll learn to long for something as sweet as death.”_

_She had always been a quick learner, and the lesson had been easy._

            …

When she came to, Rey was greeted by a blinding burst of agony, and the glare of the sun’s rays did little to ease the throbbing in her temples. Eyes darting wildly to survey her surroundings, she inhaled and exhaled deeply as the fuzzy blurs in her line of sight danced in a kaleidoscope of too bright colors. But her eyes were the only thing she could move, as not even her fingers would flex when she willed them to. Glancing down at her right leg, she saw white- the flesh having been stripped away to reveal bone.

Overhead the sun set and then rose, but Rey had already lost all sense of time as she lay there- her shattered ribs straining each time she breathed. In vain she tried to call out to the force, but there was nothing. Despite occasionally flicking her eyes in various directions each time she heard a sound, all she could do was grit her teeth while a fire raged inside her and reduced her limbs to ash.

Her eyes rolling to the back of her head, when she opened them later, the sun had fallen, and Rey was left in complete darkness.

_I’m ready…please…_

…

Elsewhere, Kylo Ren’s head snapped up. The slightest brush of the force told him the very thing he had forbidden himself to hope. That she was alive. _Alive_.

But it was already far too late.

 


	2. Chapter Two

The silence of the night brought little comfort to Rey as her own body continued to betray her. How long had she descended into a feverish sleep that time? It hardly mattered to her anymore, as she was sure she would meet her end by first light. She had allowed herself a brief respite to feel that terror one felt when they knew their end was inevitable, but it had only been a flicker. For Rey, there was only acceptance, as it was all she had left to free her from her pain.

The fog in her eyes cleared for a moment, and she was able to see that twisted smile on a face so decrepit it looked as if it had been sutured together. A shallow gasp pushed through her ribs as whatever remained of her inside broke. A crackle of blue light hit her then- crystal fragments scattering as her light saber had shattered- jagged edges slicing and embedding themselves into her skin. How he had laughed then- she clutched one of the sharp fragments, blue mixing with red as she let herself bleed- finding her struggle so amusing. 

_You will not disappoint me._

A dark, repulsive feeling had flooded inside her, and the last time she could remember using the force had been to bring him to his knees then…she…she didn’t want to think about what she had done. How she had betrayed Master Luke’s teachings and allowed her anger and hatred to control her. But she had shown weakness against Snoke before, and that had been her undoing. Crawling from the ruins of their battle, her body surrendered before the rest of her did. Killing Snoke had been a betrayal of her principles, and Rey thought perhaps her suffering in that moment was to be her penance.

Lying against a light patch of grass, her calloused hands had brushed against the delicate petals of pink and purple flower carnations. If it was to be her grave, then Rey supposed it was not too terrible of a place.

Trickles of sweat trailed down her brow, but her hands were far too numb for her to brush it away; and though she burned, she could not stop the shiver which overtook her. Burrowed within, her heart continued to thunder against her chest- annoyingly persistent in its need to keep her alive. 

_I’m ready…so please…stop…_

Not for the first time did she close her eyes, but when she came to again, she inhaled the scent of leather. It was one she knew well, and for quite some time, she had associated it with _him_. But she did not want him there; seeing her like that, she knew he’d try to save her, and Rey shut her eyes in an attempt to block him out. Somewhere without her permission he had devoted himself to her, and while she knew the reason, Rey had never asked for him to see her as something he wanted to protect. Nor as his source of salvation which he desperately drank from in hope of redemption.

“Wake up, Rey,” Kylo Ren urged her, a leather-clad hand moving to cradle her head. “Come on, open your eyes.”

Her eyes remained closed in defiance by what little of her will remained, and if she had the strength, Rey would have bitten his hand as he continued to caress her cheek in an attempt to wake her. Was he that selfish that he would deny her this?

Something wet pressed against her lips, and Rey choked as cold water was forced down her dry throat. She could feel his gloved hands massaging her neck as he helped guide the water down her throat, and having been deprived of it for so long, Rey couldn’t help herself. Her lips locked around the bottle, and she drank greedily- the cold water like ice cubes melting in her throat.

“That’s it,” He said, relief evident in his voice as he brushed a few stray tendrils of her dark hair from her face. “Come back.”

And then another wave of pain rippled through her body, and Rey’s back arched reflexively. As Kylo Ren looked at her with red rimmed eyes, she met his gaze with a pleading stare as the inferno smoldered and fumed inside of her. Parting her lips, she managed to form one word.

“Please.” She croaked, and perhaps she was just as surprised as he was when his eyes widened just a fraction. Maybe it was cruel of her, but a laugh bubbled and then died in her throat as she heard him gasp slightly. Did he really think…no, he wasn’t that naïve. But perhaps he didn’t believe she would ever have the courage to even ask such a thing of him. Whatever pedestal he had placed her on wouldn’t have allowed it.

Rey recognized the furrowing of his brow as a sign of his anger- at her or himself she wasn’t sure. What she did know was that ever since he had allowed the light back into his heart, the guilt had consumed him, and from what she had come to know of him, the punishment she had endured in his stead he would have gladly taken upon himself. He had become a bit of a martyr that way, but it wasn’t as if she was any better.

It wasn’t until his hand traveled down her leg to where flesh met bone did any sense of mirth she had felt in her feverish state instantly fade. The other hand- which had been cradling her head- he brought to his lips and tugged his glove off with his teeth- his coal eyes focused on the task at hand. If she could have struggled she would have fought him, but broken as she was, she was helpless to keep Han Solo’s estranged son from his abominable need to save her.  

When he looked at her again, it was with grim determination, and Rey could only beg.

“No…Kylo…don’t do it…please… _Ben_!” 

Ignoring her pleas, the taste of leather clung ruthlessly to the sides of her mouth as he shoved his glove inside of it. When her bones snapped into place with a crack, the fire was there again; burning with much more intensity than before that her muscles convulsed and her jaw locked around the leather inside her mouth. Only then did the tears she had so far been unable to shed stream down her cheeks and mar her face.

There would be no end to the pain, and white hot hatred filled her to the brim. Feeling his breath on her face as he brought himself closer to her, she damned him and his need to keep her alive. A thumb brushed against her lips, and he removed the glove from her mouth before she could spit it at him. Bowing his head, he pressed his brow against hers.

“Forgive me, Rey,” he breathed into her red hot skin. “But I cannot let you die.”

She wanted to scream then. Her tears burned her flesh and if she could catch her breath, she’d have yelled every vile word she could think of at the former Knight of Ren. After everything, how could he be so cruel as to deny her the sweet death she had earned?  

Ringing in her ears was a rush of whispers as the very thing Snoke had prophesized when she had been his little play thing came to fruition. The merciful death she had been longing for remained out of her grasp, and while another foul breath would never leave Snoke’s body again, Rey knew his presence would continue to haunt her. As long as she lived.

Tracing her brow with gentle strokes so contrasting to his character, Kylo Ren drew Rey closer to him. Rey allowed herself to see the heaviness of his eyes and the small rings enshrouding them like a black cloud, and she leaned further into his hand. Had he mourned her, when all reason should have led him and everyone else to believe her dead? 

_Please…forgive me._

“Rest now,” Kylo Ren stroked her cheek lightly. “You don’t need to feel this anymore.”

Drowsiness overcame her, and Rey felt herself go limp in Kylo Ren’s arms as he put her to sleep with the force. Carefully he lifted her and cradled her against his chest as tightly as he could without upsetting her injuries.

He would _not_ lose her again. 

…  

_She remembered a time where an unmasked Kylo Ren had been on his knees before her- willingly throwing himself at her mercy so carelessly she had believed it to be a trap. But when he had looked at her as if she were a lifeline, Rey did not see the infamous Jedi killer, but Ben Solo- alone, scared, and vulnerable. Perhaps a part of her was too much like Master Luke in her hopeless want to see good in others against all odds, and to believe every being had a chance at redemption._

_Had such values been a strength, or a weakness?_

_“My life is in your hands now,” he laid his light saber at her feet, leaving his neck exposed to her, as if waiting for the executioner’s blade. “Take it- it’s yours.”_

_“I will not,” she told him, and his head had snapped up at that. “I am not a murderer.”_

_“No,” his eyes flashed, dark and dangerous. “You’re just a fool.”_

_“I am no fool,” she spoke calmly, demanding his respect without raising her voice. “I just don’t plan on letting you off that easily. If you want to be redeemed that badly, then take responsibility for your actions. Don’t seek to end your life like a coward.”_

_“What would you have me do?” He had asked, rain streaking down his face like silent tears. Rey said nothing in response, but merely offered him a hand. Wrapping his own around hers, he had nodded._

_“I will do anything you ask of me, Rey,” he said as Rey pulled him to his feet. “This I swear to you.”_

_…_

She wondered if she would have offered him that same chance if they had encountered each other after his master had ruined her in so many ways. However, if her words had granted him some sort of peace, then she supposed she could be satisfied with that.

Rey just wished he had kept his word.

…  

She was still burning when she woke up from her force-induced slumber, but her ribs had been taped and her other injuries had been tended to with what little medical supplies the resistance could spare. Someone had taken the liberty of changing her clothes into a pair of grey sweats and a matching short-sleeved shirt, and the fact that they had taken such time to care for her stirred a batch of mixed emotions within her. The blanket covering her made her skin itch uncomfortably, and throwing it off with a huff, Rey lay simmering with her head against the pillow behind her.

“I think it’s safe to say asking if you’re okay would be a stupid question.” The voice was dry, but not unwelcome, and through her blurry vision, Rey managed to make out Leia in the corner of the room as it all came into focus. “You look like hell, kid.”

Managing to moan in response, Rey heard Leia’s chair creak, and she was all too aware of the General’s boots thundering across the floor as they made their way to her bedside. To Rey, it seemed as if Leia had aged a few years since she had last seen her, with her hair looking grayer and a few new wrinkles etched into her face, but she was still one of the strongest people Rey knew.

There were few words to be shared in that moment, but Leia said the one thing that managed to both elate her, and shatter Rey completely.

“You are strong enough to endure this.” A motherly hand gently squeezed hers in support, and Rey squeezed back with every ounce of strength she possessed. It wasn’t until Leia was gone did Rey speak, her voice choked with emotion.

“No…I’m not.”

…

To her surprise, there was no one outside her door when Rey pressed her ear against it, and tip-toeing as much as she could with her limp, she wandered. Sweat clung tightly to her body like a noose, and struggling to breathe, Rey had been forced to stop and lean against the wall to rest a few times. But she kept going, and only when she inhaled the crisp night air did all the tension leave her.

Sand caressed her bare feet- reminding her of her desert home of Jakku- as she stumbled into the water, exhaling in relief when it touched her skin. Wading deeper, Rey allowed her head to sink under it as if it was her baptism, and she willed the murky depths to take her away from it all. The cold invaded her senses, and Rey could no longer feel pain, but a blissful numbness she welcomed with open arms.

Then a strong arm locked around her waist, and Rey was forcibly pulled back into the land of the living. 

Air rushed back into her lungs- willing life into her- but still Rey fought to return to the nothingness she had found peace in. Thrashing with all her might, she struggled in vain against the iron grip restraining her, but Kylo held firm. Kicking, splashing, and screaming, she yelled whatever obscenities she could as he effortlessly began to pull her back to shore. Finally surrendering, Rey leaned her head back and laid it to rest against his chest which was as solid as stone. Since it was being torn away from her, the water wasn’t nearly as blissful as it had been, and the involuntary clattering of her teeth only made her head ache more.

“Let go of me,” she ordered without much of a fight, helpless as he swam towards land with one arm while the other continued to secure her. “I never asked you to do this.”

“I know,” his breath was warm against her ear, and Rey tried to ignore the sensation she felt when he leaned further into her. “But clearly I have to. I’d sooner kill you myself before I ever let you do something so stupid.”

She resented the way the timbre of his voice made her feel, so close to her as it was. Something splintered in her throat and made her voice an even cracklier mess, but she still spoke with the desperate need to hurt him. The same way she had been hurt.

“So just do it then,” she spat, and Rey heard him suck in a breath as she landed a hit to his ribs with her elbow, but his hold never wavered. “Didn’t you once say you’d do anything for me? You’ve killed so many people, why should one person who actually wants you to do it make a difference?” 

When there was silence on his end, Rey felt a twinge of regret at having gone so far as to dredge up his blood-stained past so callously. Especially when she of all people knew his sins were so deep it was not absurd to think he’d be forced to seek atonement for them for the rest of his life. But her words had only deepened his resolve.

“You’re right- I’ve done so many awful things I can never take back. But it was you who brought me back to the light, Rey,” he said resolutely into her ear. “I haven’t forgotten, and if I have to save you from yourself to repay the debt I owe you, then so be it.”

His hands hooked beneath her knees once they reached water shallow enough to stand in- scooping her into his arms and preventing her retreat. Her struggles against him became more feral then- her fingernails clawing at his face and her fists pounding into his chest- but he took the abuse without complaint and merely shifted her in his arms when she nearly escaped his grasp. Eventually she sagged against him with half-lidded eyes, not because he had used the force to subdue her, but because she had reached her physical limit. She was weak, and Rey could do nothing as Kylo returned to the base with her, the ever persistent darkness claiming her yet again.

…

Warbling voices Rey could not decipher spoke somewhere above her, and as she hovered between wakefulness and unconsciousness, she found her wounds had been redressed and the side of her face was pressed into a cold, metal floor. It wasn’t until Rey attempted to move did she find her wrists had been restrained behind her back and her ankles tied together by a silver chain, and only then did she panic as her heart thundered painfully against her chest. One of the voices sighed, seemingly resigned as the other displayed no sign of backing down- displaying a stubborn quality Rey had once admired.

“…fine. Do whatever it is you feel you have to do if you think it best.”

That had sounded like Leia, and Rey listened sharply as the door opened and closed with a hiss- the echo of her boots fading down the corridor. Unable to turn onto her back by herself, Rey lifted her head to see _him_ through the wispy strands of hair that had dropped in front of her face like a thick curtain. He was stoic as ever as he folded his arms and then sat himself out of the boundaries of her limited line of sight, and Rey felt her eyes become glassy.

“Please…” Rey tensed as she felt his leather-clad hand reach out and stroke the back of her neck with gentle ministrations. “Please…please, don’t do this. You have the power to just end it, so do it. _Please_.”

Couldn’t he see she couldn’t stand the way her flesh smoldered and corroded upon itself, or how her mouth tasted of ash as she struggled to choke down all of the bitter memories she had been forced to swallow? As she felt his large hands continue to touch her blistering skin, Rey tried to imagine him weaving those hands around her neck and choking the life out of her. Or he could just snap her neck; the brittle bones would break easy- not making a mess- and best of all, it would be quick. His lightsaber was hooked to his belt, and if he wanted to, he could impale her with it. The only downside being it _would_ make a mess and splatter her blood all over the room, and it had been the way he had killed Han-

“Stop it!” He bellowed, withdrawing from her and placing a barrier around his mind to prevent her from leaking such thoughts into him anymore. It wasn’t as if she could do it again if she wanted to. She had barely been able to call the force to her anymore, and gaining access to his mind had been easy since he had left it wide open to her.

Turning her head slightly at the sound of his heavy breathing, Rey saw Kylo had crumpled to his knees- a hand masking his face as his entire form trembled. When his hand finally slid down his eyes were red rimmed, and his jaw was clenched as tightly as his fists.

“I won’t do it, so stop asking that of me!” He shook his head as if to rid himself of her horrid request. “The fact that you think…that I would even consider it is just as unforgiveable as if _you_ were to have...” 

Slamming his fist into the wall with a rage she hadn’t seen from him in quite some time, the metal folded in on itself as he took out the brunt of his anger on it. He would never forgive her if she ever left him in such a cruel way, and for that, Rey ached. She had never meant for him to have grown so attached to her, and it would be the most heartless thing she had ever done if she were to break him by taking herself away from him permanently. Yet she couldn’t take the endless torture anymore- the agony she felt was far more than she had ever faced on Jakku- and she didn’t have the strength to fight anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Rey said faintly, and there must have been something about the way she said it, because he suddenly looked alarmed.

 _If you won’t do it, then_ I _will._

Biting down on her tongue hard enough would allow her to die of exsanguination, if she could break through enough of the skin then she could drain every pint of blood from her body, but she would have to be quick, or Kylo would stop the bleeding. Of course, choking to death on her own blood might be better- drowning in that blissful numbness once again before Kylo could take that away from her.

Her teeth had just barely grazed the surface of her tongue when he was on her, shoving his fingers into her mouth and forcing her to bite down on them instead. If he hadn’t been wearing his gloves, Rey was sure she would have broken skin. In one of her lowest moments- likely brought on by her pain- Rey attempted to spit in his face once he removed his hand, but she missed. Having regained control of his temper, Kylo had no words for her loathsome action. Instead, one of his arms encircled her back while the other supported her head, and not for the first time did his distinct scent overflow her senses.

“How long do you plan on doing this?” She seethed, her wrists and ankles beginning to go numb from how tightly he had bound them. “Even someone like you has to drop his guard at some point. You can’t always be there to stop me.”

“I told you before,” he spoke steadily, as if he applied the wrong amount of pressure she’d break. “I cannot let you die, and I have no intention of letting you take your own life. If I never sleep again I’ll gladly do so if it means being there to stop you from doing something foolish. Or if I have to shove food down your throat and force you to _live,_ then I’ll do it. For as long as it takes to bring you back from this.”

With a frustrated cry, Rey twisted out of his arms and rolled herself into a tight ball on the floor. The chains binding her clanked loudly as they reverberated against the metal, and she winced at the noise. Even with her back to him, she could feel his stare- watching her like an unwanted guardian angel.

Damn him.

Stiffening slightly when she heard him approach, Rey crumpled in on herself further when she felt him drape his cloak over her. While her body temperature was likely akin to the heat of the lava on Mustafar, the gesture filled her with a warmth that wasn’t entirely unpleasant. It just made resenting him in that moment extremely difficult. Tangling her fingers in the fibers of his cloak, she steeled herself to not look at him or engage him in any further conversation. This show of resolve in ignoring him was blatantly childish, but Rey would never admit to that.

…

_“I know what I have to do but…I don’t know how. I…have no right to…”_

_“There you go! Always worrying. I swear you’re going to give yourself worry lines.”_

_“Rey…”_

_He was lost, and he felt like a small child as she cupped his face with her hands. Closing his eyes, he savored the stirring of feelings in his breast he had long thought lost to him._

_“What do I keep telling you? You want to live, don’t you?”_

_Weakly, he nodded._

_“So live! As long as you’re alive, then live. You want to change for the better, then do it! Just live. That’s all there is to it.”_

…

“’Just…live.’”

Did she not know what those words had meant to him? How in his darkest moments he thought back to them so he could wallow in the light she had so generously bestowed upon him? As naïve as it was, he had been compelled to trust in her words. They were full of hope- something he had once ceased to believe in- but she had given him back his faith in it. 

It was why he refused to allow her to make a hypocrite of herself. There was no way his sanity could bear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any grievous errors, as I am new to Archive. Forgive the newb, please!

**Author's Note:**

> AN: In vain, I have struggled, but it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I have come to love the Reylo ship. Perhaps I like the way they're similar yet dissimilar, or I'm just oddly drawn to the strange sexual tension in their scenes from the film. Something which quite a few film critics have also pointed out, which is just going to make this ship all the more awkward when it's revealed they're related. I went through this with the Luke/Leia ship, and to be honest, I do not know if I have the strength to recover from the loss this time after all of the Reylo fanfics I have read.
> 
> Yes. It is with great shame I confess to have also shipped Luke with his twin sister but that was before I knew of their relation! I fled for the lifeboats after I found out, and I paddled away as hard as I could and have never looked back.
> 
> Anyway, it should say something about how deluded my mind is that the first project I write for these two involves a suicidal Rey, and a barely sane Kylo Ren attempting to restore Rey's sanity. It's also awkward because I feel like I have a story, without actually having a story. There's a few things I plan to let the rest of the films fill in, so I won't dive into too much detail there, but there's also things I plan to leave open to interpretation. Suffice to say, this is likely going to be more of a short story than a full-fledged fanfic. Sorry if that disappoints anyone.
> 
> Please leave a review and let me know what you think. I'm never sure if my writing is good enough, so if you all liked it, just let me know and I'll try to add more as soon as I can. On a side note, I uploaded this late at night, so any mistakes will be fixed once I've regained clarity. Then again, I can't possibly be missing something I never had, can I?


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